The hotel in question. (Credit: Christiana L)
“If you ever get kidnapped, make sure you leave your cell phone on,” he said. “That way, we can track you.”
I was having dinner this past Monday with a friend who works for the FBI. He has a trait I’ve observed to be common among members of the law enforcement community. Namely, threads of ordinary conversation will remind him of something that happened on the job, and he’ll immediately interject some loosely related piece of safety advice.
You stop at a red light, maybe, and he starts teaching you evasive driving maneuvers, or you’re at a restaurant and he wants you to identify the patron at the bar most likely to be concealing an unlicensed firearm. The kidnapping advice popped into his mind during my demonstration of the features on my new cell phone. Cell phone, GPS tracking, kidnapping. A reasonably linear thought process, I suppose.
After my FBI friend and I parted ways, I drove two hours north to Pennsylvania, where I’d be speaking the next morning at a nearby high school. My hotel was listed on my travel itinerary as “The Yorktowne Hotel,” which I figured must be a typo since the city itself was simply called “York.” But when I arrived, I discovered a one-hundred-year-old building with “The Yorktowne Hotel” written on the marquee. Why, I wondered, had the hotel’s original management felt “The York Hotel” to be an inadequate name? Did they think “The Yorktowne Hotel” sounded more expensive due to it’s additional five letters, including the silent “e” tacked gratuitously on the end? Were they perhaps envious of New York City when compared to their more feebly named municipality, York?
It was already close to midnight, but I can never sleep the night before a speech, so after checking into my room I departed for a walk through downtown York. About half an hour later, I found myself in a distinctly different sort of neighborhood than the one where I’d begun. Blades of grass peaked through cracks in the sidewalk and most of the ground floor windows in the row houses lining the street were covered by sheets of naked plywood.
tough guy monologues
I wondered what I’d do if someone tried to mug me. Following one of those reasonably linear thought processes, I started pondering the bravery of action movie heroes, asking myself what such a character might say in a confrontation if that character happened to have one leg.
“You know what these crutches are made out of? Titanium.”
I decided that was a pretty good start.
“And you know what your skull is made out of?”
I was practicing aloud using a put-on deep, gravely voice, but it trailed off as I realized I was unable to answer my own question. What were skulls made of, exactly? One is always taught to drink milk for strong bones, so perhaps calcium?
Realizing I had no idea, I continued my tough-guy monologue with, “I’ll tell you what your skull is made of. Stuff that can get broken by titanium, that’s what.”
A decent line, but hopefully I wouldn’t have to use it. The best way to protect myself from those who would do me harm, I decided, was to simply frown angrily while I walked, as if it had been a bad day so you should avoid messing with me and my already elevated levels of frustration.
I turned up an alley to loop back towards my hotel. It had no street lamps at all. At first I was a bit frightened, but then a smile spread across my face as I remembered that if I got kidnapped, all I had to do was keep my cell phone on.
19 Responses to “what to do if you get kidnapped”
December 17, 2009
4:25 pm
lol no wonder you write books, Josh, this is really good!
December 17, 2009
5:00 pm
Ha, thanks Ciara!
December 17, 2009
5:25 pm
the person sitting in that car….was glaring at me. I think they thought I was some kind of pink jacketed paparazzi or something.
December 17, 2009
5:29 pm
Ya seriously Josh, that was really good! very descriptive. And thanks for the cell phone advice.
December 17, 2009
6:10 pm
Hehe. Oookay, then. Uh, yeah, that’s truly fascinating. “Do you know what crutches are made out of?” lol
~Hailey~
December 17, 2009
7:17 pm
ha THAT, i really enjoyed.
nice story telling skills lol
December 17, 2009
9:25 pm
lol christiana
December 17, 2009
11:34 pm
Pure entertainment!!! Josh i heart your writing style. And way to incorporate “fun facts” hahaha into a story…
December 18, 2009
1:10 am
JS– your best yet. More of this, please.
December 18, 2009
1:36 am
Hello enetertainment!
Make a TV show please? I love breaks from school… But the TV shows I “get to” catch up on are nothing compared to you!
December 18, 2009
5:15 pm
Hey Josh! Is that picture of the hotel already sent to you? Because if its not, I will go take a picture of it!
P.S. Thanks for coming to Antietam this week! You were amazing!
The croud was never that quiet for an assembly. Thats great!
December 22, 2009
6:21 pm
K,
Yep, that’s the photo you took! Thanks so much for doing that!! We’ll put your t-shirt in the mail tomorrow.
December 23, 2009
5:06 pm
Josh, my sister lives outside of York near York Suburban High School. So if this happens again, here is what I would do. First, keep the cell phone on. Second, walk very quickly to the Harley-Davidson factory in York, pick out the fastest bike you can find, and then leave town quickly! But oh, I forgot, you won’t be able to shift gears if it’s your left leg. If it’s your right leg, you are ok!!!!! Can’t wait for the book.
December 23, 2009
5:27 pm
HA HA Josh that is really good advice. I do hope I don’t get kidnapped though. Can’t wait for your book to come out.
December 23, 2009
7:59 pm
lol that’s a good thing to know, i knew having a cell phone could help but i didnt know that they could track it if it wasnt sending a message or something. I live in a small town but recently there have been some reported kidnappings, i like to take long walks by myself and now i have to take my big bull mastiff. now i guess i can take my cell phone but my dogs good company lol
December 24, 2009
2:29 pm
wow i didnt know they could track it. it must be good to know if you ever do get kidnapped. by the way, cant wait for the book to come out! merry christmas!!
December 25, 2009
5:18 pm
That was good advice…but I just have one ? What if your cell phone is in your pure which you drop whil in the process of getin kidnapped? Or is on a side holder that can get pulled off? not to say that havin your cell phone on aint a good idea…it was just a thought. MERRY CHRISTMAS cant wait for your book.
December 29, 2009
9:53 pm
wow didn’t know that
February 10, 2010
5:03 pm
What if you don’t have a cell phone? (Like me). lol